Diary of an NPC (Needy Poor Creature)

yknow the most ironic thing? i was actually really just getting drowned in work until sunday came and i just slacked off ystd and today but BIG PACE FOR THE NEXT WEEK BCUZ I HAVE 5 THINGS DUE IN LIKE 11 DAYS RAHHH here's the past week's recap, where the week was ultra busy (which is a good thing?):  monday: went back to school to study w the horsemen. but i completely forgot that the law study rooms r fking cold, and i didnt bring a jacket. and i was also so distracted by youtube LOL i did work like only half the time (and after dinner i did stay back but it was to watch youtube...). okay but good company good yap and good frens yay much loves hehexd tuesday: the group leader for my sustainability project told me that she actly scolded this international student who has been in smu for 4 years btw for like not helping the exchange student (!!) do work. so the exchange student just did the stuff herself. LOL. fking funny. and this guy just chat gpt'ed the environmental analy...

kinda just recovering this wkend. been a...long but not so long week? i mean its only gonna get worse ig saturday was just me waking up and watching f1. then go for lunch when the aunty at the fishball noodle stall at golden mile said my disney shirt was damn nice (the one with all the disney characters on the front) xdd. then co prac was abit wild (as usual) i didnt even know emix used the dance studio beside on saturdays (saw a couple of familiar faces). then went to the kampong glam ramadan bazaar (havent been to one in ages) and gosh it was damn crowded AHHAHA kinda wish i had a couple more food items but we ended up sharing everything and damn i realised how exotic the food choices can get cuz they were rly like a variety from many diff cuisines. ended up spending about 13 bucks per person (which is not bad for a kebab, cheese friens, baked potato, and vadas (indian fried potato-based dumplings). also saw lawrence wong walk past and we were like wtf this is the right evening to go...

yknow i realised that the original sound of silence was composed in 1964 wtf and the disturbed remake was actually kinda like the 50th anniversary commemoration. wow. also that is how u remake a song.  anyways wasnt feeling it today in school - had to pon lesson (for the first time ever lmao) and just take an mc (tbf i did have a diarrhoea today and ystd for some reason) but yea i just was completely out of it dealing with friendship stuff throughout the day. some things made me realise that perhaps i have regressed as a friend. or maybe i just havent been as good as i have been/i thought to be. i think natural circumstances had a lot to play, but there r things that i definitely didnt live up to expectation that was within my control, and there r things i need to work on. and honestly was feeling so sick about it that i had no appetite for lunch nor dinner, and i ended up just talking to people about life and zoning out in lesson after 950am and then going to cozy haven (for the f...

and just as i was about to diary for today i saw an ant on my table. idk why but i swear ever since covid ended (i dont rmb before that LOL) there has been like ants paying visits to my home like...in random spurts. sometimes there r like 10 in the toilet when i come back home from work/school and i get so confused like WHY R YALL J SINGING KUMBAYA IN MY TOILET??? is the garden not a better place? and they only come out at night. idk where they go during the day too like...r they just invisible? idek man. oh and these are huge ants like at least 1cm long from head to...last leg. and some are 2cm long...eurghhhh anyways woke up today like damn late cuz the rain was absolutely lashing it down this morning (as it was the entire night i reckon). and i ended up just scrolling through socials in bed cuz why not. actly i can tell u why not: bcuz i had to be in school to STUDY. and guess what i did in the end. look at my exchange course info sheet that the host uni sent over and planned out th...

today (and for the next week and a half) is gonna be hectic. i have many things planned. i have many things to do and submit (1 case, 2 individual assignments, 3 grp projects, and 3 finals from now till 29 april). is it psychotic to want to embrace this challenge and love it? yes. is it normal to want this shit to be over now? also yes. yin and yang.  went for a briefing for some maritime week thinggy next week - was kinda interesting ig bcuz honestly i ended up getting a polo tee cuz we decided to wear smu polo tees for the event nxt wk, and the sch staff paid for it LOL so im not fussed over it whatsoever. then i swear i got a scam call today. a part of me thinks its karma for whatever happened the past 2 weeks, but whatever it is the moment they asked me for a full nric via whatsapp i was like hold the fk up? das kinda sussybaka then i went for ippt. and it was raining. so i was like oh fuck if i dont clear it TODAY i might not clear it EVER becuz like i have to clear it by my b...

it still feels weird, trying to write this out.  i want to liken this to whatever it must feel like being faced with an imminent cyclone/hurricane/typhoon. yknow when u first get the warning that there is something wrong u r like 'oh fuck what do i do now?' and all u can do is prepare for it as best as u can. but then u realise that the best laid defences r never going to be enough to prepare u for the worst storm - all the writing, the mental prep...it doesn't prepare u for when it hits u like a truck. u feel cold shivers, u feel a sense of helplessness, and u feel a sense of weightlessness too - almost like u r already floating through an infinite space with no end in sight. u go around the next few hours thinking about things...actually no u dont even think about things, u just end up wanting to lie in a corner in your home and just cry everything out. or scream into a pillow. why must the tropical storm hit again?! but then the eye of the storm comes, and u get momentar...

and today was one of mine! what follows is a lot of sad stuff so...read at ur own peril from the moment i woke up today until like 4pm i was just having negative thought after negative thought. about what i could have done better as a fren. a lot of doom-thinking about the future (internships and friendships). where did everything start to fall apart. and i think this period really made me realise that in some ways, i have been a somewhat neglectful friend over the past...i would say at least 8 months (last june/july). i will start by saying that i do think i still care for my friends and i do still look out for them, and will willingly do anything for them that they ask me to do (so long as i dont have a high chance of dying ofc). but i think a part of me has also become forgetful of some things that they share with me (and this really really hurts bcuz i alw prided myself upon remembering niche facts about friends, but i think this has gotten worse over the past ~year) and hypocriti...

okay for some reason as i type this, i am on 8 hours of sleep (6+2) and i am feeling a little tired (me thinking about things and life made me less tired (as it shld) but i rly j wna fall onto my bed now) so i am gna divebomb onto my bed aft this n fall into dreamland watched f1 which was fun and exciting...okay look as much as i do have a fair amount of frens who watch f1 it still feels weird that i have, as of now, lost a very close fren (to me, and i think said very close fren also felt the same way abt me (also yes, i am on a friendship break with someone rn)) who used to yap abt f1 w me all the time. i mean, things happen and life is as it is. and ofc friendship breaks are a thing that happens when two friends have a fallout/disagreement over something. but it just sucks bcuz life feels emptier without that friend. and its something that u know needs time before that hole inside u can be closed, whether it is by mending whatever caused the two of u to go on a break in the first pl...

oops sorry stopped for two days because...i got really tired and had 4am football into a full day out with mala at night into today so...pardon the tardiness OKAY SO THURSDAY i think it was actly a p decent day started watching more league (again LOL) and also started to get back a BIT more into projects and work...i think there comes a point where i kinda have to start going to school to stay in the library tho...like i think with 1 case, 3 projects and 2 individual papers to complete over the next month i REALLY got to lock tf in so LIVE LAUGH LOVE (if i sound deranged i promise it isnt me im just hyping myself (and you! if u r reading) up to survive hell week wherever u may be reading from night class was kinda interesting so my prof (the french one who loves wine connection) had a guest speaker over to talk about warehousing and storage/transportation (essentially the focal point between middle mile and last mile) and wtf there's only roughly 5-10% of things in warehouses that...

sorry i really couldnt come up with a better title for today LOL i think today, i thought more about her, especially at the start of the day...for some reason everytime i wake up its always like "oh what did i do wrong" or "oh what is she thinking now" or "oh will we ever be (close) friends again". and it will always end up occupying my thoughts for...an hour (?) of when i first fully wake up. but i think as i get along with my day and start to do my own work, my own things that i enjoy, and occupy myself talking to ppl, i just start to think less about it. and this really helped today because i, in hindsight, realised i was really just doing a lot of the things i enjoyed by myself at home without thinking of her/what happened. because ultimately if i want to move on from her and be friends again with her, i do need to, as she said, "take some time apart and focus on (myself)". because obviously, aside from having to stop seeing her as a romantic...

...well i had to get through an interview first AHHAHA. and okay lah the physical interview was a bit longer than expected cuz the angmoh guy kept trying to make small talk and lighten the mood (lovely stuff) and yea the only downside i think is 1) when i didn't handshake at the end cuz...i was also abit blur HAHHAAHAH fml and 2) when they asked for a time when i helped to lead a team out of trouble and i was a bit...lost bcuz i didnt know what story to reference so i picked on about my project last time that was about 3 fin dudes doing hr and they all suck at quali stuff so i had to guide them on how to link the theory to an established practice...but i shld hv just gone w a softball example. but anyways i think the interview went quite well lah they said mm good good sounds like good exp a lot of times HAHAHA and they also said yea this is a good balance (work-life, study-rest etc.) so PRAYERS PLS OMG I J WANT AN INTERNSHIP LEH AHAHAHAHA then after that we had project presentatio...

i mean i only went back to school because of some seminar at night LOL.  but i think a lot of today was spent still trying to process the emotions of being rejected. and yknow the funniest part is when u see someone else literally type it in smu confessions as well, like THE TIMING? i mean, it's definitely difficult because what made u fall for the person instead of just the mere idea was so much more than just 'she looks pretty' - u had the romantic idea of being with the person over a long term, and the fun activities u would like to do together as a completely hypothetical couple, and u longed to be with them and their absence made ur heart yearn to be with them, amongst other things. i wont lie, its definitely much btr now, but the thoughts still come and go. but unlike the philadephia 76ers, i am confident in this process of rebuilding (healing) again, i don't know if she is reading this, but if she is then: i hope u r doing better on a day-to-day basis too, and th...

sydney...where do i begin? this will probably make it onto the channel as well bcuz its...something that i kinda created the channel for right? HAHAHA but ig i will just be reflecting more on the things i did here than i wld on the channel...bear with me i think when i had this ingenious idea to book a trip to sydney because i knew people there and i wanted to attend a concert in sydney, i didnt expect a lot of stress to come from preparing what u need when u travel. i mean the most i did was ONCE when i travelled with a group of frens to hanoi for about 6 days so in that case i didn't really need to plan much. also tbf i would not have come to sydney if i didnt have a 450 dollar complimentary ticket from scoot because i had to cancel my taiwan trip last time due to hfmd....sorry jordan (i j went back to check and i realised i booked this trip all the way back in october wtf HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG) but then when i started to plan for the trip itself i realised that i had to plan my ...

in no particular order:  recre bball : i went once and never again. in my defence right, it was on tuesdays. on three tuesdays my corp sust product group wanted to have interviews with retailers, on one week mpsh was closed, and on one week it was cny. so i was only able to go once but skipped that one bcuz i was frankly a bit lazy AHAHHA. but the people there rly q competitive ngl...they all got exp and i was rly reminded of how unfit i was and how long i hadn't played basketball softball : wah the membership this sem drop A LOT SIA like 40%...idk why but lowk i think is cuz a lot of ppl grad and the open training was damn late? and also the payment felt later this year...idk ngl was also abit angst cuz trainings were only like once a week on average now instead of twice a week...but ig circumstances made it hard for that exco to have two trainings. ig its hard to accept but its smth that u have to swallow bcuz there isnt much alternative? i mean not that i blame the exco...its ju...

a lot. i mean, that isn't to anyone's surprise i'm sure, but i think that there were a lot of unexpected moments and things that made me consider life in uni.  i think that motivation has NOT changed this sem - thoroughly feel unmotivated to cp, less pressure to cp etc. i mean it helps (i think) that two of my mods have like very lax class part rules, so much so that the other two modules i don't feel the pressure. i think it's also that this is my second last sem in smu (excluding exchange), so like i'm not so concerned about grades? or at least not the cp part of it because there is still about another 80% to earn.  this is also my first time taking a smux mod (basically like project-intensive) and...in my first lesson i sat with this random group who said they didn't know each other beforehand but...idk i think i kinda was too quiet? and when i interacted i was kinda over-forcing my interactions and it became a little bit awkward....so then i kinda just e...