we aren't really...friends?
it still feels weird, trying to write this out.
i want to liken this to whatever it must feel like being faced with an imminent cyclone/hurricane/typhoon. yknow when u first get the warning that there is something wrong u r like 'oh fuck what do i do now?' and all u can do is prepare for it as best as u can. but then u realise that the best laid defences r never going to be enough to prepare u for the worst storm - all the writing, the mental prep...it doesn't prepare u for when it hits u like a truck. u feel cold shivers, u feel a sense of helplessness, and u feel a sense of weightlessness too - almost like u r already floating through an infinite space with no end in sight. u go around the next few hours thinking about things...actually no u dont even think about things, u just end up wanting to lie in a corner in your home and just cry everything out. or scream into a pillow. why must the tropical storm hit again?!
but then the eye of the storm comes, and u get momentary reprieve. everything seems bright, and sunny. everything seems well. but u know u r inside a wall where u r, at some point, going to get pushed out of and u have to face whatever remainder of the storm is left. but u still try to make sense of whatever fun u can get in class, with friends at networking events, and skipping class for the first time to go for some networking (or well, half skipping class and then curiously wondering what prof must be thinking)
except, i've been through all this less the remainder of the storm. and this tail end of the storm feels infinitely long. i can hear the waves crashing at my feet, almost wanting to carry me along to some other faraway place where i won't remember any problems. i feel like the wind could just pick me up, toss me like a ragdoll and just...leave me be. the more i think about this, the more i want to cry. because i just don't know how much worse it can get, and who will be left beside me after all this is over
and maybe all this is karma, yknow? that this storm wouldnt have hit if i was a better friend to begin with (which is true), if i was a better person to begin with (this is also true), and if i had just diary-ed more consistently and not neglected it because i was lazy and thought i had my life in order (this is also at least partially true - i was just unmotivated and procrastinating as well)
but i am reminded of this phrase: friends are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. and i am reminded that friends will come and go. and i am reminded that some friends are, as fate has it, not meant to last forever. maybe this is one of them. maybe this is a case where, this friend is just in my life for a reason. and that reason was to wake me up from my stupor and remind me that i owe it to the people around me to be a better person, and a better friend. and that this storm is a parting gift - that no matter how hard things get, if i try my best to be a better version of myself, i will become a better person day after day. and i will be stronger for myself, and for my friends
- steve, who feels like a poet today
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