everyone has their down days

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and today was one of mine! what follows is a lot of sad stuff so...read at ur own peril

from the moment i woke up today until like 4pm i was just having negative thought after negative thought. about what i could have done better as a fren. a lot of doom-thinking about the future (internships and friendships). where did everything start to fall apart. and i think this period really made me realise that in some ways, i have been a somewhat neglectful friend over the past...i would say at least 8 months (last june/july). i will start by saying that i do think i still care for my friends and i do still look out for them, and will willingly do anything for them that they ask me to do (so long as i dont have a high chance of dying ofc). but i think a part of me has also become forgetful of some things that they share with me (and this really really hurts bcuz i alw prided myself upon remembering niche facts about friends, but i think this has gotten worse over the past ~year) and hypocritically i sometimes get annoyed when they forget things about me. i think in some other instances i also am unable to offer them enough in a time of need. 

MAYBE i am being too hard on myself, and u might say oh but u alr rmb a lot, or that i am offering my best in that unscripted moment and that i just happen to think of other things after reflecting. but i know people who have really good memory abilities of friends, and i know people who r also able to just say and do the right thing in a given moment for the right duration to make them feel better. and i also know people who r just really patient with their friends and forgiving because no one is perfect. and so i think there is a level that i was at that i am not at right now (and there is also a level for me to reach that i have never been at before), and i think it is my duty as a friend to try to get back to at least that level i once was at without sacrificing the things that i have gained over the past year as a friend (being more witty and being more attuned to my surroundings). and if anything i think all these problems are coming to light now because i have started to really reflect on my daily life again, and my neglect before that on this diary caused me to let some things fall a little too far by the wayside. so if there is one bright spot from this friendship break right now, it is that it really has given me this wake up call that i was becoming a gradually worse friend recently. and if u (or anyone else) felt that way, im sorry that i did make u feel that way, and i can only promise that i will try to be better and ask for a second chance - to be more patient, to be more helpful, and to have a better memory

onto my life: applied for another round of internships. honestly getting a bit sian also from all these applications. but it is what it is. i honestly dont know what i am gonna do in summer if i dont get an internship. i jokingly said to a friend i need to go on a spiritual journey/retreat, but i think i really do need to. because after the project hell season of last october, i dont think i ever fully recovered from it. i have kinda lost myself because of that (and also refer back to being a worse friend above) and i just feel like i really need to re-evaluate the things that i am doing for myself and for my friends. and i think i owe it at least to my friends who have been with me and seen me and accepted me for who i am, to be a better person than yesterday and to fix any mistakes that i make so i make each subsequent day smoother

sorry i know it is a lot of sobering and deep and sad stuff today, but i kinda just wanted to share what i am going through and trying to work on (and i feel like u should know too as people whom i really care about) and also be honest, because that is the point of this diary in the first place

- steve, hoping that things only get better from here

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