present mind

something a lil different today...

one thing i realised a lot over the first half of this year is that u cannot take anything for granted. and perhaps this is something that is widely known? but in the comfort of someone/something, sometimes that knowledge just recesses itself in the subconscience. and i feel that in those moments, u start to take something as a given. its not really about discrediting a thing's meaning or value, but rather just thinking that it will always be there

but life is short. one blink and suddenly u r 35. one skip on spotify and suddenly u realise 40mins instead of 4mins have passed. u realise that the leaves have fallen after a week of passing by the same spot on the bus, but u arent really sure when it fell. was it yesterday? or the day before? or right after u first saw that tree and took it for granted that it would always be there? 

every dinner starts to feel like a chore. every moment at work starts to feel like a burden. every interaction feels so draining and u feel maybe time was better spent at home, or with some other friend. but then suddenly u realise that friend is gone. or u have lost ur job. or suddenly u have no more opportunity to eat ur favourite meal from ur favourite outlet because the outlet closed. now what? u cant turn back time, u cant relive the same moment, and it is just a memory. a memory that will, inevitably, start to fade when nature takes its course in ur body

people come and go. places come and pass. memories form and fade. but maybe in the memories we hold of people and of places, we should spend time thinking about it. what made it special? why is it a core memory? why do we value it so much that we invest so much emotion in it? then maybe we realise that all along, this novelty of meeting someone u have never met before, of trying something u have never done before, is all part of life. and life retains meaning if u retain these memories and appreciate them

so perhaps, the next time u see someone again, listen to them. be there for them. dont discount their feelings and emotions. hopefully they do the same as well, and then the friendship wasn't all for naught. and even if it is for naught, its a schroedinger's incident - u never know what will come of this in future until u say yes. "yes i want to hang out with u." "yes i want to go to this place." "yes i want to try this activity."

i feel like there is a very slightly discernable threshold of what is being present. and of course each person has their own subconscious interpretation of it. to me, im just happy to be with frens. i may be tired, and admittedly i may zone out, but i love the company. if i kept u in my life and if u chose to stay in my life then its because we both like each other as friends and we find some value that we bring to each other that relieves us of stress/problems, or we are able to make each other a better person, or we find some other value that makes it worth talking to each other and being there whenever either one of us needs it

so how does this link back to being present? maybe it is about being positive, retrospective, equal, sentient, everlasting, nice, and therapeutic? but maybe it is just about taking a step back and just listening to one another, experiencing the wind, feeling the rain as slick as it can be on ur skin, soaking in that ethereal feeling of freedom and innocence - then maybe we can all be there for each other when it matters. then at least, when people come and go, u dont have regrets. because u tried ur best, and u r never perfect - not everyone is meant for u. but at least u were present in those moments together

- steve, who just felt compelled to write it (i think u can tell the narrative starts to waver a bit in the last 2 paragraphs or so but its something i felt i needed to write out because we are all getting caught up in life and the magnitude of insurmountability seems to be getting too strong so i thought a gentle reminder to those who take time and effort to read would help~)