may (and june first)

honestly as may passed i started to realise that with so much time there were some very depressing thoughts that started coming back to haunt me and give me some p bad insomnia. so i was just really taking the time to myself and just being in my own circle and not rly working on anything and just procrastinating things. 

went to tokyo for the first time for a maritime/trade study mission and it was honestly very fun! there is so much good food and tall buildings to shop (12 story uniqlo, 8 story donki, 6 story muji wtf). thought those were stuff of dreams. the people were p nice too, or at least they all were until my phone battery ran out in the middle of one of the nights (tldr: i wanted to shop at donki, both my cards failed, saw my frens, but my phone died when i wanted to ask them to help me pay as we agreed and i also didnt make clear where i would be queuing to pay). so eventually i had to walk back and the 1h50min walk was insanely tiring bruh my feet were so sore, i had to rely on the map stands every 500m or at every train station exit and pray that the line (which i stay quite near to) doesnt suddenly divert and just makes me lost HAHAH). luckily the convenience stores are open also so if i got off track (at the beginning only), i can go inside and gesticulate about what i want AHHAHA and what i need. ik for sure i got many ppl worried (and i think there r one or two ppl that r still angry towards me abt it) but the funny thing is that the next evening after all the company visits and since it was the last night they wanted to cycle back from the same place i was at (shibuya) but their scooters kept breaking down or they kept losing their way abit HAHAH so they took 3 hrs to come back (and after my 3 separate rounds of drinking i was already so tired i just slept at 2am and luckily i didnt wait up for them cuz they were only back at 4 LOL). also can i just say the only time it rained in japan was when i landed and when i took off? LOL

first softball match in forever (it was just a friendly) but wow my first base was solid my outfield was solid (except one incident abit of miscomm about a bouncing ball) but yea fun times! omg also went to jb with the softball ppl bruh waking up at 6am aint it sia istg i was so tired bcuz i was only on 2hrs of sleep after all the insomnia shit and i somehow managed to survive until 2am after the escape room, cat cafe, batting training, supper, and karaoke (which i am proud of myself bcuz i was still loving every moment of it even on 2 hrs of sleep gosh this is what the sleep deprivation has trained me for AHAHHA)

then afterwards i was just juggling between meeting up with people/watching youtube/movies/passing gifts to people/going for cca/drowning in my own guilt over stuff. and yea i just felt so burned thoroughly throughout the month for some reason its like nothing was getting better and i feel like i lost my way even more (if thats possible) bcuz im already natually someone whose thoughts always diverge/branch out and i end up just overthinking things...and yea heh life sucks but ig it is all for our own good and for the good of those around us to take time to improve. 

i dont think there is much that i can do right now except for just trying to take things one step at a time and trying to get better. its for myself and also the ppl around me, so i owe it to yall too. gonna talk more abt this in a montage over the past 6 mths soon (hopefully over the wkend) but yea thanks for reading

- steve, with tons of love

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