let the grapes cook

honestly been thinking how i wanted to write the first 12 days of 2025. i would do the normal 'dive into everyday' style but there's many things that have been spilled in silence should not see the light of day. or at least, not from me. a lot of these 12 days (most of it in fact) was me just meeting with people and just relishing the moments of being youthful. 

i feel like a lot of the past 12 days has just been me doing three things: watching basketball/football, playing games, and going out with friends. and trying not to sleep at 4am (which, as u can tell by the timing at which this is posted, definitely did not work and school is in session again so im kinda fked?) but there's a part of me that really enjoys the moments sitting with people, or across an individual person, and just creating shared moments that hopefully add more meaning into our lives. i think there's so much struggle to find what really makes us useful and contribute to the people around us, but the simplest (and one of the more effective) ways is just to be there for friends. it doesn't matter if they don't end up reciprocating ur efforts - u know that u tried ur best and ultimately the ball is in their court. that being said, of course some things could have been done better, and maybe in the spur of the moment u just thought 'oh, this is best for the course' and so u just did what u did. maybe in hindsight it was better to take an alternative path, because hindsight is 20/20, but u gotta live with what u chose and just move on. 

not everyone i've met over the past 12 days follows this blog, of course. so maybe (probably) they will never see this, but i think everyone who has come into my life the past 12 days, im grateful for. no matter how short, no matter how fleeting, the permanence of the imprint in my head (and in this entry) is undoubted. it hasn't been perfect, but it is a worthy start to the year to remind myself that i still have much to do to be the best version of myself, and that there is plenty of nice people out there worth ur time if u look hard enough and, of course, say yes. 

if there are any regrets over these 12 days it would be the following two: first, that i personally feel i did not spend enough time catching up with old friends at a birthday party and spent more time mingling around with other people and meeting and talking to new people. i think this came about from the fact that i did try to be more extroverted in 2024, and so this mindset carried into 2025 and i figured that, outside of a party, i would have more chances to meet with this said group of close friends in future since we were already close before. and if u don't talk to these new faces at a party, u would never see them again in the foreseeable future, so just talk and see how it goes right? it doesn't hurt to have one more friend? i guess this is just part and parcel of balancing the delicacy of friends and socialising. yea there is a slight tinge of regret but just gotta swallow it and hope no one's upset. 

second, i can convince someone into thinking that they will get into a relationship (there is a very subtle but marked difference if i really think you can get into one vs. if i think u can't get into one but i just want to be nice to u because i can't bring myself to be mean). but i cannot, at least i think i cannot, find the right things to say to someone when they break up. i lowkey think it is because i have always being delusionalising myself into thinking i will get a partner, but i haven't actually had one much less break up with one. so when a friend comes and talks about a breakup, sometimes i feel like my words are just so generic and not really helpful. MAYBE i am overthinking this (irdk), but i wish sometimes i was just a wise sage that knew what to say in a given situation. it's not that said friend hates me or likes me any less now as a friend (i don't think so anyways), but i just wish there was something more to offer than my relaxing presence and my (already repeated often) words of comfort. i mean i know that hearing it again for the 100th time and sitting in silence with someone u r comfortable with is already 'good enough' to many (and it is to me) but i just feel like i should be doing more as a friend. so maybe going out on friend-dates (strict emphasis on this pls don't anyhow add some wizardry potion into this and stir wrongly) helps and maybe i should do that more just as a wellness check in some way and form. and i should engage it. 

anyways lfg school starts again i can't wait (for another 16 weeks of stress and greying hair and finding internship and hoping i get my ideal exchange uni rahhhh wtfh)

- steve, who needs to fix his damn sleep cycle bcuz wtf am i doing up at 3.24am with a 12pm class in less than 9 hours??