not the normal entry-like answering questions ~

i would like to say that i wish from today onwards i will post everyday on this blog but i have said that many times before and i havent followed through with it for more than 2 weeks. so i will just say that whatever happens, happens. and i will still post here and try to make it as frequent and insightful as possible so it's therapeutic and healing for me, but i also have my other interests and that's why i have been so on and off here. 

but u know what being on and off reminds me? of a particular person i met on a dating app. obviously i'm not gonna dox her (even if i did accidentally dox her to a small friend group when i forgot to edit her name out...long story) but things happened that made me question if it is even worth trying. 

it must be said that i have gotten likes but no intros on the apps and it sucks so bad because unless u r using hinge, u cant see who liked u. so i have no idea who that person is and what their profile is like except for a really blurred out face of theirs. 

but when this particular girl (let's call her K, so obviously her name doesnt start with K already) liked my profile after i liked one of her prompts, i was kinda giddy because she was the first one that did on hinge after like almost 2 months of using it?? (and yes, side note i have also updated my profile on hinge abit because i feel like it needs a bit of a freshening and clearly whatever i did before wasn't working - i'm not inflexible like some others). 

but anyways, we just started talking, and at first it was quite nice just knowing more about each other, and reciprocating each other's questions with our own follow-up/entirely new questions. but somewhere along the line, something tore the thread. im still not sure what it is (someone said that she was talking to at least one other guy and they got official/srs situationship or smth) maybe its the fact that i said i wld nvr step foot into a kid gym bcos i was hella inflexible or that i implied that i wld pon work with mc if i were sick (this was meant as a joke when i said it). 

but anyways it went from saving my contact to i think deleting it? when we started talking it was: 

just the main pfp

then it went to

the phone number and the entire range of pfp's

then it went back to

just the main pfp BUT WITH THE PHONE NUMBER TOO

i lowkey think the phone number was there because she was in orientation so she probably doesnt enable phone calls on tele from unsaved contacts so incase of an emergency her phone number is there?

ANYWAYS, the reason why i kinda felt ass about this is because i liked her vibe (and for however short a moment she did too im q certain), and i asked her out for dinner. but after rescheduling twice (she also deleted my contact, or so i think, after the second rescheduling maybe because i told her 'also check ur tele hehe' on insta) she asked to reschedule again even though for each time, we already agreed on a date range and i either asked her to pick a date convenient for her (which i always bump and end up rescheduling cos she cmi) or we agree on a date but then she say she cmi...

atp idek if she was stringing me along? like if there really was another guy was i her backup option? i dont mind that but the least i'd expect is just truthfulness. and at least, yknow, have the responsibility to tell me that u cmi on the dinner date (range) that we agreed on instead of waiting for me to ask. 

and so after rescheduling the third time (she said after these next few weeks i will be free-er) i sent her this long text that basically laid out my tiredness of always having to reschedule and me feeling hurt that it felt so one-sided from me and she wasn't doing enough even though she said yes to the idea of grabbing a meal. i did tell her that im sorry if i implicate her wrongly in anything and/or if i said anything that upset her previously, and i also did tell her that i'd still like to meet her because if not this interaction between us would have been so superficial and unsubstantive. 

ofc, she ended up not reading my message (note she had been, since mid-july, taking ages to reply to the point where i sometimes double text or triple text). so idk if what i spent an hour writing to her will ever be read..maybe she did do the tele trick of holding on a chat and just scrolling thru without showing read receipts and....idk maybe she got pissed or cried or laughed maniacally. but i guess now im back to swiping so stfu dora dont tell me swiper no swiping (this is collateral damage for exploring too much ig). 

i mean, if she does end up replying my message, then i'd be...happy? bcos then at least she did take the effort to read (unless it's some one-worded reply like 'ok' AHAHAH goddamn thats awful). but for now, since she clearly cannot commit to me and i wasted 1.5 months on her, i guess i will take some time to dwell on this still and just move on? 

interestingly, i always thought that if she did read my message, she would have blocked me on tele and/or removed my insta from her follower OR blocked me from viewing her story. but she hasnt done any so part of me also thinks that my long ass emo message got flooded down her chats LMAO maybe she off notifications from me so she also missed it

and also yall know im crazy, so as per what crazy ppl do i did reply to her story a day after sending a message wishing her luck to some k-boyband ticket sales and wished her 'hope u get ur tickets!!' and ofc she didnt reply as per the 4 ig story replies before that

the hardest goodbye is always the one not reciprocated - steve (the poet)