i need to fix my sleep schedule and be more disciplined

ALSO IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO WRITE A FAN FICTION ABOUT THEM lmk im feeling my creative self again (that's why i am TRYING for like the 100,000th time to resume this blog consistently)

Q64 (just reordering abit): what was the hardest thing i've done? 

honestly just accepting that sometimes what you plan out won't always go your way - making frens, doing well in exams...there's always a curveball somewhere that will end up throwing u onto the shore like a piece of trash littered into the sea. the acceptance is always difficult because i always end up thinking "hmm what could i have done btr? if i did xx instead of aa would things have been btr than it is now? what if i had said zz instead of yy - would things be patched between me and this other person/group of persons?"

i think there just comes a point in time when u have to accept that one's best laid plans don't always work out - it will never work out as u plan for it to. and because i think i am so sentimental and by extension scared to let go of the past, i always find myself thinking that some things could and should have been done btr and i always get hung up on it. in the end, it takes me ages to get over it. and even when i do eventually after a few months, i always have random thoughts that take me back to those days. and it's scary, that i cannot move on, because how am i going to cope with another 40+ years of such pain? 

being a (self-declared) empath is not easy. i feel the pain and sorrow that other people experience. but i also get so hungover on my emotions and experiences that alcohol essentially is just there as a trophy - i dont need it to lose my sanity, it just helps me lose it in 10s instead of 10mins. 

Q65: why is it so hard for me to let people in, and what happened the last time you did? 

honestly i dont think i have a problem of letting people in too sporadically - in fact i think i do it too easily. being an open book about things stems from me trusting people easily because i go heavily on first impressions and i have very few pet peeves that will trigger a negative first impression. so give it a couple weeks of somewhat consistent texting and i will spill my entire closet of skeletons to u. as far as ik i dont think anyone has snaked those secrets before (other than ppl accidentally saying im bi when i didnt want anyone to find out/wanted people to find out from myself) but some ppl treat u transactionally. or they end up being so busy that they cannot/will not make time for u no matter how hard u try. 

but thats a risk im willing to take. bcos for trust to be formed someone has to give. and my dark secrets are buried in my head so unless u r a mindreader u r never getting that info out of me, so i end up trusting ppl and telling things that arent normal abt me/my experiences so that they feel comfortable. and i only do that bcos i am comfortable with them and think that there is something there that can build a strong friendship, and be a great person to do life with. but obviously, some ppl just end up drifting, so that sucks. though to be fair, i am but a fickle of one's imagination when it comes to their lives - i am not important enough to anybody that they would end up snaking me unless i accidentally did something atrocious. 

- steve, who had insomnia last night and barely survived today. also fanfic requests anyone hehe ~