half century

as the title says. what is the biggest goal for this year? 

I think I stopped coming up with yearly goals in 2023. Because I realised that I was a very fluid person and I never stuck to my goals and just went where the tides and winds took me. I think, for the longest time, my biggest goal has always been to feel secure about my friendship circle. I've said this before, but I always want more friends, but a lot of times that happens at the expense of forming really true and genuine close friendships. 

And because I am so scared to lose friends, I think I'm just more sensitive than the normal person would be to the people that truly matter. I think the moment I sense something is wrong, I will reach out to that person if the circumstances allow it. But if it comes to someone who truly matters to me, I will reach out (after some careful thought on how to reach out). I'm self-diagnosing at this point, but I think there are many reasons for this, such as knowing how it feels to be wronged, or how it feels to be really down in the dumps. It doesn't matter if I was the cause for that issue or not, but I think that it's always important that you show that you have your hand available for a friend who is in need. 

Like, I really think there is a tendency to overfocus on the negatives that you don't look upwards, or even for the silver linings. And I think when people say that they are fine, immediately after something that means a lot to them doesn't go their way, they are lying and covering up. I mean, I don't blame them, because that's what I've done SO MANY times before. But I think that's why it's important to be genuinely there for your friends. Because we all go through so much shit that it's really just about helping each other when we need it. 

I know that I could really use that advice and just find a friend to complain when things are really not going my way. But these thoughts more often than not come at weird asf hours in the morning when idk who is awake, so I tend to come to places like this for refuge. To let my thoughts out. But I think also, I just don't want to appear like a burden to friends. Because everyone also has their own shit, and I don't want to add trouble. I think that's why I won't tell someone unless they ask first. Because then I know they care and they are willing to listen and help if needed. And then at least there's a sanctity there for me to let my grievances out. I guess that's why I also let my friends know that they can find me if they want/need and are comfortable. I'm sure they already have other friends they run to, but offering the help of one more person doesn't hurt. And I think it's just good to let them know that the option is there if they really do need it. I don't know how much it betters them, but I know if someone were to tell me that, I'd be really grateful. And I think my heart will melt more than it would've been already at that point. 

I guess it also somewhat comes down to the fact that I am scared of losing friends if I don't make the attempt to show that I care about them. Especially if I feel that I can really vibe with them. I will really make it known that they can find me if they need anything. So in a way, my own insecurities also feed into my behaviour. Is it a surprise? No. 

And this is why doing this at 4am is really emotional, because I am feeling a bit choked right now. I think there's more that I would like to say, but I will stop here if not I might just end up awake until the sunrise and just...thinking too much. As if I'm not already doing that but...finals exist. 

- steve, overthinker and people-pleaser, the most deadly combo.