Clearing the backlog - 6th and 7th March

Sorry if any of you are reading this and wondering where I've been - no, I didn't die; I was just drowning. But I'm gonna clear the backlog now with two posts each day until I am done with the backlog, so have a good read :-)

Q10/348: Who makes you feel safe? Why? 

I think there is no like one PARTICULAR person that I feel safe around, mainly because I think I let my guard down quite easily. As in, I usually know who I can trust with my personal stuff based on my first (few) interactions with them. And I guess I also kinda know whether it is worth trying to get close to them. But of course my simp behaviour means that sometimes there's misjudgment, so...I think that it is not the most perfect method to determine whether someone is safe, but I think I am also someone to just open up because I think if you really want to get to know someone, someone has to take the initiative to lower their walls. 

And this is not meant to be a criticism of anyone in particular, but I think that some people just build their wall so high and reinforce with so much granite/steel/titanium that it becomes very hard to get through. But to me, if I know that I can trust somebody, I am always willing to lower my guard to let them in, and whether they want to let me past their walls is entirely up to them. I can understand why people can feel like they need to well themselves up behind such a sturdy wall - that's not to say that I know why they do it. But rather, I understand that everyone has their own backstory, and some books are just harder to understand and have been through more emotions in their creative process such that they become harder to comprehend and need more time to know each word and each line before you can get to the main idea. 

And so, because someone always has to take initiative in a friendship, I don't mind taking that initiative for new friends/friends who reciprocate. Because at least then I am learning more about the book and its overarching story. But if that book doesn't allow me to understand it, then it is a fruitless endeavour that I think I would just give up. 

Q11: What do you need to let go of? 

This isn't an incident now, but happened quite recently. Thought I would just like to share it because it is very poignant and significant. 

There is this one particular friend of mine who was very close to me (as I was to her) in sec school/JC. Even after I graduated (she is a year my junior), we still kept in touch quite regularly. But somehow, sometime in 2022, she just became very distant after starting uni. I don't know if it's because we were going separate paths, or if it's because I did something to her that upset her which she didn't say to me but she figured I should have been aware enough to know, but we just drifted apart. Everytime I asked to meet, she would say she's not free. And she isn't lying - that I know for a fact because her course is very intensive. 

But the thing that hurts me most is that I was close enough to her for her to write me a box of letters, each of which was dedicated to a specific need that I might have at some point in the future. On one of it, there was this sentence which went "Don't worry about being unable to reach me, I'll always make time for you" (context to read that letter: when I miss her). And boy, have I tried so many times up till August 2023 (which sipped away like a bottle of wine, cos she was never mine) to reach out to her, but alas she was always cooped up with something (sometimes she didn't specify, but I trust her well enough to believe she wasn't dodging). 

And you know, the funny thing is there is this letter that I (just opened to re-)read, and it said "With regard to moving on, recognise that people are lessons on how and how not to act/talk/interact with others. Let go of the unpleasant, hang on to the lesson, and cherish the good, if you can/want. It will be alright". Yes, context for that is when I lose a friend. Of course, people come and go, but to completely drift away from a close friend? There wasn't a letter for that. And losing a once very close friend (probably closest female friend) so quickly...there wasn't a remedy for that. Except for time. It does heal all wounds, for sure. But the scars last infinitely longer than most other things. But if she was smart enough to know that people in life are lessons, then maybe I need to take a lesson from this too - let go and move on, for nothing is infinite and undying. 

p.s. I have always maintained that I will hold on to that box of letters, because it is a reminder of what we once were as very close friends. And I will hold on to that box to remind myself of the good times that we had and the bond that we shared, until the day I die. 

- steve, just another guy who just went through hell (again) and back