Clearing the Backlog - 21st-23rd March (Sat)

Q29: What's something you're holding onto that's still hurting you? 

That when I was a facilitator for freshmen orientation (and also a gamemaster for business camp), I went in with a mindset of wanting to find friends, and get some close ones. The first is true, more so for business camp, but I found new friends from both. But I never found close ones because I had a bit of (unfortunate) tension with some people in FO and I also never took the opportunity to "cling" onto a grp, but rather I just floated around. And for business camp, I missed half of it because of COVID. And that bout of COVID was the main reason I had tension in FO anyways (maybe I shld have just been hyper asf throughout then maybe it'd have been mitigated somehow, though I'm not sure if I'd have survived..)

But yes, that I didn't find any close friends still haunts me. And also that I think there were (unfair) rumours of me spreading, that's part of the reason why I didn't find close friends. It really sucks, and I wish it could have been different, but I guess in a big group setting I don't want to seem clingy and exclusive so I already put myself at a disadvantage. And I just think that if I was a little bit more energetic and sociable during dance practice, or just stuck to talking to one or two people, or just wasn't so unlucky, or just was more energetic throughout the 3 runs of FO after the closing, I think that things would've been better. But hey, I don't think anyone from there really hates me now, so I guess it's not all that bad? Silver linings. 

Q30: If I wrote a book about the person that hurts me the most, what would that first sentence be? 

I think that this person doesn't cause me hurt now, but I think that at that point in time I was just so shocked that I just felt...blindsided. Like not that anyone liked her, but that we were (quite/very) close and then just because of one fallout (arguably because I wasn't the best communicator and also her ego is quite big), we just stopped talking. tldr, I was an assistant to a CCA camp in JC, and my partner was in Exco (I was just a volunteer helper). My partner (let's call her B) had beef with another person over the groupings and allocations, so she was fed up and asked me to settle with another person. Then in the process, I said (because I didn't want to lie when asked) that B was fed up and angsty, and ofc as Exco she should just have been professional and settle it herself. But welp I got thrown this ordeal. So, after reaching a conclusion, I went back and informed B. But in the process, I don't know why I told her the entire truth instead of a half truth (like keep the other half hidden), and given that (after checking chat receipts like to see I didn't forget anything) I wasn't well versed in the art of mediation at that point in time (yet?), I kinda told B that I told the other person that B was pissed and then she just lost it. 

I mean tbf, I should not have told B that I told the other person "B was pissed". I should have just said the outcome itself and just moved on. But I mean, I wasn't lying when I said "B is pissed" or "B is angry and losing her shit". I mean yes I shouldn't have said it. But tbf I shouldn't have been the one communicating in the first place. And of course after we went back and forth abit, she just removed me from her spam (after letting me know that she was NOT HAPPY with me. at all). 

Am I at fault? Yes. Is she at fault? Yes. Who is more at fault? Her, imo. Like, I don't think she needed to unfriend me over something so trivial (when she already knows that the rest of the exco didn't like her). But alas, I guess the first sentence would be "we are never ever getting back together."

kidding. or am I? maybe it would be "i hope that u find some peace with this, because frankly this was your problem in the first place and I was just trying to help because you messed it up and you asked for my help..so don't blame someone who messed up trying to help you when you already messed it up yourself."

Q31: What's something that happened in your life that you'll never forget? 

Honestly, the 9 weeks in BMT. I think that my superiors were all nice and reasonable (90% of the time), and it really taught me how to be introspective and just learn to be more flexible when interacting with people. Because, again, when people are tired, apparently I shouldn't be too outgoing and funny. So when I reach that point, make someone angry, agree not to be that outgoing again, I shouldn't revert back to it because the other party is already naturally so outgoing (so my comments are naturally darker in tone), and make it so that he just couldn't deal with me anymore. 

I mean, is it my fault? Yes. Is it also his problem/fault? Yes. I should have been more tempered in my approach after the first incident and not pushed the boundaries. But he also shouldn't have snapped so easily the first time. 

Q32: What moments do I miss most from my childhood? 

Literally the time I could spend being innocent and just game. Like I think I just miss the ability to come home, nap, do work, and game after. Now, I don't have time for napping or gaming. And it sucks. 

But would I trade 2024 technology and personal freedom for some primary school shit where I swear I had a teacher trying to tell us Jesus is real (and all the other stupid school rules that exist)? Nah. 

- steve, somehow letting out a lot of personal hate today? don't know why I'm so spiteful.