Clearing the Backlog - 16th and 17th March (Sat and Sun)

oof here comes 4 questions...enjoy :-)

Q22: If my best friend was holding a gun to my head, what would your final words be? 

"One last FIFA so I can shoot 100 times at your goal before you shoot me in the head?" Idk that just sounds morbidly funny in my head and it was the first thing that came to mind HAHAH but yes we did play FIFA before he went to Australia so...that's why FIFA (or EAFC as it is now putridly known as)

anyways i realised that question got 750k likes on this person's tiktok which is 200-300x the normal like count WTH HAHAAH that's MAD yo..

Q23: If you could talk to someone one last time, who would it be? 

Okay honestly this one (excluding best friend since that was the previous qn, and excluding parents and spouse and children to make it fun) I really cannot decide. Like I think it wouldn't be fair to choose any one particular person over another, because outside of the people that I hope I will be closest to when I die (or am going to), I really can't think of any other ride-or-die that I have. Honestly I always figured that if I knew I was going to die/had limited time left, I would just write a letter to everyone I was close to at that point in time, and those whom I was very close to but just drifted away from (yknow just a thank you of sorts to...thank the person?)

But I guess the question didn't specify "talk to one last time before I DIE," so maybe given no context whatsoever and ruling out the people I already listed explicitly above..at this point I'd say (took me 5 mins to reach this conclusion btw) that person whom I was very close to and now we are so far apart..I don't know if this is toxic (I hope it isn't) but I think she helped me realise that, regardless of how many letters (physical and virtual) and how many hugs we shared as very close friends, I will have to accept that people always come and go, and that friends are like a rollercoaster cart that will slowly get replaced, while you extend the rollercoaster that you are creating for yourself. The people that you choose to operate on your rollercoaster as carts will sometimes just give out on you, and that is beyond your control, because everything has its own life expectancy. Of course, we all innately wish that we can hold on to something forever and always, but life has a plan for us, and everyone's life is bound to be different from another. 

The people that I have been close to will always hold a special place in my heart, and when I look back upon each memory of each person I am/was close to, it will bring back some poignant stuff that I wish wouldn't be forlornly poignant but more of upliftingly poignant. Alas, the way things work themselves out don't always fall into our desires, and we just have to accept that and move on. 

Q24: Who do you miss most in your life? 

The person above. For obvious reasons (i am sentimental. period. n we had so much fun together.) next.

Q25: What is the main reason why I pushed on? 

I think it is about just being as useful as you can be to the people around you. I think there was a similar question to this a little back, but everyone has their purpose on this earth. In this life. I think that to give up simply because the mountain got too tall for you is just breaking the trust that you put in yourself the moment you started trying to do something. And it is also giving a sign to the people around you that they can't trust you in times of need, because you may just give up on them. So you push on, against all odds, and even if you fail, you know that you tried your absolute bestest and hardest and that the people around you (if they are the right people) will be supportive and proud of you. 

I think that we are all on this land to help people, and that requires us to help ourselves. And helping others also means we are able to help ourselves. So, if we don't help ourselves, then we can't help others, and then we won't help ourselves, and the cycle just breaks. Which is kinda pointless, because I think then the people that made an effort to get to know you are just left in the lurch. Of course, sometimes things are really so monumentally tough that I can understand to some extent why one would want to give up on something (be it an endeavour, or life itself). But I think that I've always pushed on because I know I am surrounded by the right people and the people that I know matter to me, and I can't bring myself to give up just because of something so difficult. 

And I mean since I already hinted at suicide, I might as well just share my thoughts here. I won't ever fully understand (for now) why some people commit suicide. Because I've never felt that way, and I've not known anyone personally (to my knowledge) who has felt that way before. But from the people I know who were clinically depressed before, there was always a multitude of big problems that came up at either separate times and just snowballed, or just got dumped on you out of the blue. And I get that sometimes, it is so suffocating because we don't know how/we don't want to seek help, and we end up just stuck in the lurch feeling like dogshit and worthless because we are unable to overcome the problem. And there is this negative feedback cycle that ends up happening because we didn't ask for help in the first place, and that's why we end up in that situation. 

But I've always hated it when people call the depressed/suicidal "weak" or "burdensome/troublesome" or "worthless/useless". Everyone has been weak before, no one is truly useless. And everyone has been a troublemaker or a burden in a friendship before - there is no need to single out someone who is suicidal/clinically depressed and let them know AGAIN that they are as such. You are just feeding into their troubles. I think the issue is that we always see people who are suicidal as "trying to find the easy way out" because they are quitters. But no one was born a quitter. What brought the person here? Was it family? Friends? Teachers? School? Or something else? Or a mix of something or everything? I don't think it is fair to label someone as mentally weak just because they want to end their life. People need to be empathetic and take an effort to learn about why they feel like this. Maybe their parents abused them. Maybe their friends just gave up on them. Maybe they just got shit on by everything in absolute totality. But be there for your friends. Or a stranger. It doesn't matter. If you see someone in help, don't just cast them aside; be there for them. Offer a hand. An ear. A shoulder (to cry on). Let them know they are not alone. Even if they feel like they are being a burden to their friends, let them know that the fact that they still take an effort to talk to you means that they don't see you as a burden. If no one talks to them, make a promise to be there. Don't throw them aside. No tunnel is endless. There is always a light. 

- steve, just trying to be a good friend (so goes the meme)