Question 2/348: What is your biggest insecurity, and why?
OH MY GOD okay I already know where this is going to go but: losing friends. Now time for another long ass story and explanation...
I'm a very sentimental person. It is very difficult for me to let go of something that I like, and I like something/someone very easily. Maybe it's because I don't have high expectations of people or things, and so long as I vibe with them and they don't give big red flags I'm okay with them. But, I think the reason I hold onto something so dearly is because I always think that if you get used to losing something, then you won't truly appreciate what you have in a given moment and you won't cherish it, and you end up treating something as transactional and you neglect the purpose that thing/person had with you.
The more time I spend with someone, the more memories I have, and that means that we have more shared moments and things that ultimately remind me of the person. But I think some people just get too busy, or our paths just naturally drift, or sometimes we just stop agreeing on things, and we drift apart.
Look, drifting slowly is normal. So long as we were (very) close at one point in time and you still make the attempt to meet up sometimes, I'm okay with it. If we were just normal friends, then I don't think I will be affected that much. But if we were very close, and then suddenly you just end up saying "Oh, I'm not free" every time I ask for a meetup, then it hurts. Because how did we drift so much that you can't even make time once, for a single day?
If I did something wrong, then at least have the courage to tell me what I did wrong. Don't just throw me away like some ragdoll past its lifespan and phase of usefulness.
I think all this stemmed from the fact that growing up, in my early teenage years, I never really had any close friends because it was hard for me to fit in, and as such I kinda felt dissociated except for when I was playing football and in CCA, both where people respected me. But outside of that, I think that it was difficult for me to get through a day without a throwaway comment that was meant to be demeaning to me be thrown at me, and I got really insecure about friendships (on top of what I was already struggling with then). I've fixed those other things already, but this insecurity over friendships still lasts. I guess it is childhood trauma (pain) that I don't think I will ever be able to grow out of.
And that is why I also regret both orientation programmes over the summer break last year. Sure, the people were nice. But if not for the mahjong incident in FO, or the fact that I missed half of business camp because of the same COVID case that affected my FO relationships, I think I could have made much better and stronger friendships over summer last year.
I always try not to blame someone when something goes wrong, such as friends drifting apart. But sometimes, when a close friendship disappears suddenly, I really cannot not attach any blame to that other person. I know there is at least some slight fault with me, but no one is ever innocent in such an accident.
- steve, just trying his best to be a good friend
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